Is It A Man Thing

I started this entry so long ago I'm not even angry about it anymore but that won't stop me from venting.

It started out as me being angry and resentful of Neil. While I don't really want to be in the lime light (I'm not a trophy wife in the PHYSICAL sense being the reason) but everyone, and by everyone I mean men (most brethren excluded), seems to think Neil is the only one running this business.

When Neil was approached about doing the article for The District Weekly it was inferred as being about interesting Long Beach residents. When my husband and the writer made the meeting for the interview it was on a Monday early afternoon when I would be at work. Granted I could have taken off to be there but neither my husband nor the interviewer asked for my presence. Neil came home expressing how he spoke about me (as if I couldn't have spoken for myself), and Glenn as if that earned him some points or something. Neil and I started a conversation about my resentment behind this and his stock answer "well baby what do you want me to do." Not a damn thing now. We never got around to revisiting the conversation but I'm sure another opportunity will present itself.

While I'm not implying that Neil is only the cook and face of Bigmista's Barbecue, but anytime there are new ideas I usually have to badger Neil until he sees the value in it. If I didn't think it all the way through and he points out the flaws then we drop it. I never make any decisions without discussing them with him even if I already know he's going to agree with me. I don't always get that courtesy. Neil if you say I do consider yourself cyber slapped.

Neil thinks I magically create money because I usually work our finances so that we can make things happen. I do this when it's something we've discussed. But at this very minute Neil has gone shopping for something. Do you think he checked any of our finances or considered if it will interfere with any pending purchases, no. But if it has a negative impact in some way he'll say "well baby why didn't you tell me." I have alerts from our bank go to his email. Out of the last 8, he's opened 1. He says I always tell him we don't have money for this or that but he conveniently forgets the reason we don't have the money for one thing is because we spent it on something else. Until we are financially well off we have to choose what will and won't get purchased. Or in my case I have to remind him that he spent money on X so he can't have Y.

Guys are always asking Neil about the business side of things that he doesn't even take care of. Neil will give them half ass answers that they eat up because of our current success. The Brethren are a great resource for a lot of information but I even they are only so forthcoming with information. It's like asking them their bbq secrets. Because friend or no friend you are still competition to a certain extent and everyone wants to consider themselves the best. And along the same lines, some things I don't mind sharing but when I bust my ass to get something done I'm not so free and easy with the information. To me it's like copying my homework after I've studied all week and you played. The little I know about this business I've learned as we go. We have some bbq friends that have been doing this far longer and successfully then we have but none within proximity that I can sit down and pick their brains about the business side. And then if it's out of state information I have to find out the California laws, regs and the like to make sure we're in compliance. Neil glazes over when it comes to these types of conversations just like I get glossy eyed after too much barbecue talk.

This was a lot angrier when I originally had it in my head.

How Does That Help Me Now

As some of you know Neil does bbq competitions with his fellow teammates and bloggers, Four Q. When they decided to do their first competition in 2006, their motto was “have fun/don’t come in last”. They took fifth in ribs. When Neil decided that he wanted to do more competitions, we agreed that the household funds would not be used to support his habit.

The way he fed this monkey was to raise money by cooking. His first cook was on the house as seed money. That money had to be turned over to make more money. Yet another clue as to how we got here. The more he competed the more he wanted to compete. It was no longer about just having fun he wanted to win.

Fast forwarding, Neil no longer cooks for “the fun of it”; it’s to make a living. He now feels that money from the business should be used to support his competition fix. Something I failed to mention was that whenever the team won, Bigmista pocketed the money for more competitions. This is even after he started using business money to compete. Now for the most part I would agree this would now be a vein of the business accept for the fact that 1) he competes under Four Q, not Bigmista, 2) the competitions are on days that we have markets. We’re a one trick pony until the new smoker arrives and preps for the fixins’ (sink, etc.), and if he has the equipment the only money we would make is if he won, and 3) the business is putting out money for gas, meat, and competition fees that we may not recoup. And if he makes nothing he looks to the business account for money for his next fix.

Now while I love Sylvie (Soul Fusion Kitchen), Shu (Professor Salt) and Luis (BBQ Junkie), and wish Four Q would win every competition it does nothing for my family as a whole to have my family’s livelihood at the mercy of some judge’s taste bud. I have explained to Neil that right now his reward should be the fact that he is making money doing something he loves as well as the fact that people are lining up for his food and spreading the word at an alarming rate.

Our last discussion about this he told me that he made a commitment to the team and I reminded him that his commitment to me and his daughter come first. He had no response. I also reminded him of his post on the bbq-brethren about business before comps. Guess who is still leaving on the 24th. He tries to pacify me by saying he’s not doing anymore this year. BIG WOO!!!

Where I Went Wrong

Well it's Saturday morning. Morgan is still sleep and I hear the van outside rumbling getting ready to take Neil to the Watts Farmer's Market. The house is quiet which is rare when everyone is awake and home. I used to go with them but since Watts is slow, two people can handle it.

My mom used to watch Morgan for me on Saturday but I got her and my cousin selling Bigmista desserts at the Watts market now, so it's just me and Morgan. Most people try to sleep in on Saturday morning. I get up after everyone is gone and enjoy the peace and quit before Ms. Morgan shows her happy face. And it's because of this peace and quiet that I can now sit and type.

For those of you who don't know the meaning of the word widow used in this context it means my husband gives his life for all things bbq. My descent into this world started soon after our marriage in 2004. Before that it was the computer. She's still his other woman but comes up way short now.

But even before we were married but after we were living together I tried to convince Neil to go to culinary school. He just has a natural knack for food. He was working from home as a web designer so it was the perfect opportunity, since most the classes were during the day. Needless to say he didn't listen and went to school to get his CCNA. He was doing quite well, but I can’t remember the reason, he stopped going after needing only one class to finish. I forgot to mention that my husband is very book smart as well. He was heavily recruited out of high school because of his football AND academic skills.

Okay, I’m back I will try not to digress to much but our past ties into so many things we do now that Neil and I refer to it often. Anywho Neil is a fabulous cook all the way around. For our first date it fixed me jambalaya with a cucumber and tomato salad. We never parted much after that. He even wrote a cookbook titled Secret Sex Recipes to Get You Laid. I will tell you more about that later. He started hanging out on this website called the BBQ-Brethren. When Neil posted how he cooked ribs they literally laughed at him for days. If he were an emotional man he would have cried from all the flack he took.

After posting, reading and becoming friends with a few of the guys on the site Neil decided he wanted a smoker. At that time we lived in a two bedroom apartment, UPSTAIRS, with a balcony. Me being the wife I am said sure. I didn’t know he was going to drag me around to look at the darn things. Neil is one of the few men who like to shop as long as it’s for MANLY things. He finally settled on a char griller minus the woodbox. I was the family handyman but Neil decided he wanted to be the one to put this thing together since it was his.

And so it began.